Found Album

I stare at this found album
Each half recognized face
A fractional memory
I can't remember the conversations or the slights
The fights
I think I liked him - I think I had a crush on her
Or vice versa

It wasn’t that I turned my back on them
I just looked forward - Out

Escaping to the gaping
Mouth of …
Running to the empty
Pit of …
The vacuum of
… What now?

Not running away … No

O

I didn't know nostalgia could crush so much
But then I suppose I did
And that is why I never could look back
Not conceiving anyone might care
Nor conceding
I still can't

Beyond the - Occasional - Saloon bar
Whatever happened to what's her name?

Theirs were pinched out lives
Of course they all went on
To do the things that real people do
Being faithful and unfaithful
Coming to god for the children's sake
And battling with addiction
Or paying off that second home
Or not

And I took strange comfort in the fact
That they might assume me to be dead
Sad in the abstract for a moment
But no real or specific pain
And nothing to explain

'Least
Selfishly that worked for me
Taking all their histories in the aggregate
Freed me from conscience

Now this album of awakened ghosts
Reveals the nature of my comatose
And isolated state
I did not ache
For then
I mostly hated
Then

But then I stare into that telescopic past
And realize I've been hypnotized by the highway
I was awake the whole time
I would have crashed if not

But I don't know how I got … here

So I look vainly for landmarks
Or some version of myself
In all those ancient photographs
And the only thing I recognize
Is I
…Was never there